10 Steps to Better Engage with Your Conservative Hometown via Online Arguments
“The only reason I don’t delete my Facebook is because I’m kind of addicted to reading the crazy shit that people tell you.”
This is the feedback I’ve gotten.
I didn’t intend to become really good at online debates. I wish I didn’t feel compelled to speak up. It’s exhausting and my wife hates it. She says I have the highest conversion rate of changing other’s opinions. It’s exhausting work but someone has got to do it. Here is my advice.
- Is this person a total stranger? If you’re getting pissed off at comments on a thread and you don’t know any of the people involved, walk away. There are societal rules of engagement and respect of your fellow person is a prerequisite to listening. Debate via Fox News comment boxes is pointless. Walk away. If you know the people debating or have only one degree of separation, then proceed with caution.
- What’s your point? Being frustrated with people for thinking differently than you is normal but what are you trying to accomplish? I feel motivated by people being informed on truths, so often for me I’m just trying to set the record straight. I hate memes that get the facts wrong so often I just want to poke holes and encourage people to think more critically. I don’t care if a person has a different opinion than me but I just want their rationale to be… rational. So cool your jets and before you jump into the deep end think of your end goal.
- Ask questions before making statements. I spent years as a high school teacher and camp counselor and I’ve been in consultative sales for the past 5 years. The secret to getting anyone to adopt a new way of thinking is to first understand their current way of thinking. Typical online arguments go like this:
“I think Trump saved America and Biden is ruining it.”
“Well you’re a dumb fuck.”
End scene
This does nothing to help. Instead try, “What was your favorite thing Trump accomplished?” The rule is to only ask one question at a time. You’re trying to understand the other person well enough to engage in a conversation, not a debate.
4. Are they open to new ideas? State openly, “I understand that everyone has their own opinions based on their own experiences, but if I elaborated on this topic, would you be open to taking in new information?” If the person says “no” then walk away. I get frustrated when this happens but at least I and everyone know where we stand.
5. Be prepared for your family to text you. “Why do you do this to us?”
6. Do your research. Pick your fights. I saw a post fearing some Chinese billionaire’s purchase of land in Texas to build a solar farm. The tone was that Biden was giving us away to the Chinese. It turns out that the project was approved during Trump’s presidency. My first question to the person was, “What bothers you about this the most?” Before dropping any “knowledge bombs”, add softer language that prevents the evidence from coming across as an “I told you so.” Try something along the lines of, “I found this article from 2019 that says Trump’s cabinet approved the solar farm. How does that change this situation?”
7. Take it offline if it’s someone you personally know well. Taking away the public display of it helps build the connection. May of 2020, I had two high school friends engaged in a Black Lives Matter discussion. One of them really did not understand the full situation. I chimed in with some questions and he messaged me directly saying that he knew he didn’t understand the situation but any questions he asked made people mad at him. After exchanging quite a few messages:
8. Be prepared to feel totally hopeless for our future. It’s one thing to claim someone is a total idiot but opening the door for a proper discussion is cracking a window that people are capable of complex thought. This is really setting yourself up for disappointment. My high school literature teacher was one of the first people to teach me to ask questions beyond questions and to think critically. I found myself using some of these guides in talking with her only to find out that she fully drank the Trump kool-aid and was far from the person I remember. It was sad.
9. Be critical of all perspectives. When Texas power grids shut down this past February, a lot of misinformation went around my liberal circles in response to how and why this was possible. Most of it was wrong. This isn’t about converting political opinions so much as it is asking questions when people are angry. We can be angry. Let’s just be angry at the right thing.
10. Lastly, be open to changing your own mind. This is the hardest piece. We can learn from anyone and if we’re asking our counterpart to be open, we need to respect that and reciprocate. I’ve learned so much about border security from my friends who are actual Border Patrol agents. I’ve learned about gun rights from my friends who pack heat. I’ve learned about why my evangelical Christian friends will never accept the woman’s right to choose. And I’ve learned from my vegan friends why my vegetarianism is theatre when I eat a wheel of brie.
Our civic engagement and discussions are almost fully on the internet. We need more people to take the role of debate moderator compared to insult thrower. It’s hard. Almost none of this is natural. It all comes down to questions. What question should I ask that tells me more about what the other person is thinking? Then what question do I ask after that?
Good luck.
